Going To Old Virginia

By Jerry Vilhotti

Virginia, Johnny's nephew's sixty-five year old new bride, continued to show how she could talk despite knowing he and his wife Linda Ann had just come fifteen hundred miles from way up North to "Your vote don't count if we don't like it" Chad, Florida. Both implied several times they would have liked to "freshen up" but she pushed their words aside and went on with all kinds of things that she was sure her new uncle and aunt wanted to know.

"I was on my own for two years after I left my husband of forty-three years who I used to call behind his back - in and out as quick as a wink Georgee and came down here where my daughter was living. I have four daughters don't you know and my eye must have been open for those twenty or so seconds! And then I met your wonderful nephew Danny. He just plumb swept me off my feet. Did you both get that joke about the eye?"

"Could we shower-"

"That's real nice of you Uncle Johnny and you Aunt Linda saying you'll take me out to dinner but you don't have to feel because I asked you to sleep here that you have-"

"Thank you but we would like to get out of these clo"

"We went out for six months and I helped Danny with his being crazy carrying that large stone and wearing a black mask asking people to smash his head to little pieces to kill to death that laugh inside his head and his being out of work and all but I knew he was serious about me when he took me to his sister and two brothers saying I would replace their mother a bit what with her being up in Connecticut with her brain still damaged from that car accident making her sound like a two year old talking and all and he did promise me he would take me to see Mom. Where did he get such a name as Apache?"

After Johnny told her it was all an official at Ellis Island who spelled Pace using the Grandfather's accent and all and then asked: "If we could just-" "You know Aunt Linda - his kid brother Michael is queer - don't you?

And he tells everybody it was because Danny and Larry that x-paratrooper brother of his would always bugger him when he was four years old just before Mom put them into that orphanage."

"Bugger?" Johnny asked never having heard about that. He had tried to build a hut for them to hide in just before his sixteen years older sister Tina was going to put the four kids into the Apartheid Orphanage that was next door to Taliban University where the "Wiffenpoof" song could be heard by the children - really the lost lambs - coming from Mory's tavern.

"You know like that movie about squealing like a pig. Can you believe that lie? And I asked that queer-eyed Michael if he wasn't afraid of AIDS and laughing at me he said we all died! Just the way that actor said it in that fight movie. John Garfinkle or something. Don't get me wrong, Uncle Johnny, I know there's some weird things going on like Larry the oldest chasing after thirteen year old girls and did I mention how one night Danny brought home a African-American and wanted me to give him head in front of him. I said you crazy bastard get that white piece of mustard out of here before I call the cops on both you preverts! Uncle Johnny, did you ever see a white African-American? They are as ugalyyyy as sin! By the way Danny went camping with his three sons for the weekend. I told him you guys would be here but he said his second wife always smoking dope told him he could only have them this weekend. Sometimes I think he's going crazy again. He says he'll see you all Monday!"

"OK. Linda Ann and I will shower-"

"Did you ever meet your niece Clara's lisbin friend?"

"Oh, that girl that came up with her last summer? I didn't know she came from Portugal?"

"Lisbin. Lisbin. You know when girls are munching on each other's private parts!"

Johnny and Linda Ann both blushed while giving the New England expression: mouth agape, eyes wide opened and brows being invaded by deep creases. Not that they hadn't explored each other many times. It was the way their niece put it.

"Can we be excused-"

"Well now all those people want to get married! They should be put in concentration camps in single cells in one of those Ashcroft holding places!" Johnny laughed thinking she was making a sick joke.

"Uncle Johnny, I don't think preveration is funny!" If God didn't make us that way they shouldn't have that kind of freedom. If they don't like it here they can go someplace else like hell to munch on each other!" Johnny blinked; not accustomed to being called Uncle by someone many many years his senior.

He smiled weakly and then he and Linda Ann went to hide in the bathroom. He didn't think they would ever come back to Florida again.

Johnny took two showers and during both he tried to fashion another hut out of all the rain. END 12-4-08

(C)opyright 2009 Jerry Vilhotti All Rights Reserved

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