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Literary Conundrums

By G David Schwartz

Dostoyevsky Stops in For A Beer: Not Told By James Joyce

A burglar, face-sharpened to a husk of a man wrapped in a beer of burley faced coat around his shoulders sauntered slowly, slow-ly to the long marble primed box of a death which occurred out side just out the window that so many people had sat before. Before what, you ask? (But if you were asking why is it I that put these marks (“} on the page? It was before…

Before what, I ask again?

It was long before I had purchased a nice little house in west Virginia – not the state “West Virginia” but in the west (Small “W”) of Virginia. To be exact, I stopped in an Inn in town of Pulaski, which is on highway 81. And it is funny down there that it is west of West Virginia, which is blundering over it up north. You may have to look at a map the see that I really am making sense.

There once was an earthquake in the beer shop but no one came to unlight the sprinkling kilo. In any event, it was a happy event. Starring at a knot of knotted wood would have made Dostoyevsky happy. Over the maple pine portion of the possible partite out side of the outside was a thought looking to be had.

Pounce people prudently put plaster pagers parting palpable but pleasing pleasures partly parading past pleasant parts parading partly… (We interpret this pieced of paper to say, “Man I’m glad he stopped doing what ever he thought he was doing)

Just on the table next to the wall, which surrounded the entire bag of munch we begin a new with a new thought which was huffed from a gruff voice very vocal in a way which was slumbering with the simple speeded song as if someone was saying or someone had or has once said, “ One of the bar, oh, tender sniffling the sniveling shoulder busman fill filthy fiery flossy flukes were washed up in a grizzly hug henpecked into eyes above a mouth which said. “Yes, sir,” and then sauntered down the road of joy.

If Aristotle Possessed The Soul of Trotsky

If it were not for free floating, not hovering, Aristotle elevates that yet stable as the soul of Trotsky would, if not posed by Trotsky himself, be posses; by Aristotle what would Aristotle do if he possessed the soul of Trotsky? Study it to general and species. With the last fragrance of information let the sound of bulls spell disaster, and let the English Professors profess English to the under-employed, under- nourished, under ground men (Except Professor Slotkin) and give all your thoughts away to the homeless and let your mind wander as well as wonder just where yuu can go to get a glass of ale. No one here knows because they are all drinking famous Cincinnati Green Beer.

IF Football Were a Shakespearean Sport (in Db).

“G’d day, gents and mydamns. We are gathered here to witness the flamdaneries of the ye ole’ Cincinnati Ben-gals and de de-trot Tigers, and ye know I been a little late to get to the kick ‘in place so I jest hove a moment beefier the game will get underway so let me put my microphone about me neck and, yes, there she goes! It is a jolly high kick, making the birds fly just out of the way.

Now, one, well I cannot see his numbor very well for the moment, but, oh. Okay there we go. Here we go, its number 78, which everybody knoss is Robert Red Wing. And, my, he certainty looks smashing in his blue and gold uniform. But unfortunately the poor lad is down there lying in a giant piddles of people and a patter of what we might call, as they do here in the southern states a “cluster fork?”

Well lads and lasses these American players are now in one of their famous puddles of Hud, I think the original name was huddle but I have no recognition that that be true.

Ahhh now I see. The game is leering as flies to wanton boys who ask who the gods of the game may be. But poor lad, the world. The world is strange by mutations. And as it seems life would not yield to age.

Now. They have gone again into one of their short meetings and, yes, now they all get out of the circle into a lines and the one person who is allowed to standup most of the time shouts at the top of his lungs something which sounds both strangely like and oddly like, “The rule in this realm, and the gored of state sustain. It did sound romantically like a play I once performed and I was just about to make a guess of which play it was when the crowd around me stated bleeping into horrendous cheers and my ears began to hurt so bad that I had to leave.

Well bonny homeland, I apologize for leaving but, as my mum always told me, “Keep your health and your health will keep you. So cheery’o. I will see you on the court and best of the gab to you. G; d nit all. And be good to all others.

Gertrude Stein and Inrico Bar Bett ben Bassted Locate a Thought About a Poem By Whitman

(Things denoting the end, or beginning of a statement Lady I am thinking about what queries you raised Period (Things denoting the end, or beginning of a statement

(Things denoting the end, or beginning of a statement Yes Comma kind sir Comma and what do you happen to think Question Mark (Things denoting the end, or beginning of a statement

(Things denoting the end, or beginning of a statement Well Comma Lady Comma I think the rabbit was a bit innocuous Period (Things denoting the end, or beginning of a statement

(Things denoting the end, or beginning of a statement :Innocuous Question Mark (Things denoting the end, or beginning of a statement

(Things denoting the end, or beginning of a statement Well Comma that too but mostly obnoxious! (Things denoting the end, or beginning of a statement

(Things denoting the end, or beginning of a statement Well Comma kind sir Comma what do you suggest we do about it Question Mark (Things denoting the end, or beginning of a statement

(Things denoting the end, or beginning of a statement Ahhh Comma I am sorry but we can do nothing Period

(Things denoting the end, or beginning of a statement No Question Mark And why is that Question Mark (Things denoting the end, or beginning of a statement

(Things denoting the end, or beginning of a statement Ahhh Comma because we have a bit of something else to get done Period (Things denoting the end, or beginning of a statement

(Things denoting the end, or beginning of a statement Ahhh Comma me lady Comma and what is that Question Mark Question Mark

(Things denoting the end, or beginning of a statement Kind sir Comma it is to find another kingdom in which we may live in quite unnatural peace Period (Things denoting the end, or beginning of a statement

(Things denoting the end, or beginning of a statement Ahhh Comma your sweet person Comma I do agree Period (Things denoting the end, or beginning of a statement

(Things denoting the end, or beginning of a statement Well Comma then Comma off Period Off we go! (Things denoting the end, or beginning of a statement

Cicero Defends Nuclear Energy

My friends, fellow citizens, good neighbors and rulers of the divine land, which the gods have allowed us lesave to live, I know you are aware of our usability to dig trenches down to the neither realm. But we are in need. And being in need requires us to put our thoughts to work.

Marcus Demounts has told me of a marvelous dream he has had. We should investigate what can be done in the sense of explosive power. Now we know the gods have deposited minerals in soil. We should break open the soil to extract what we call minerals.

I do believe we can produce products both better and faster my extracting the vianle and whusentree of the soil. If you do not know what I intend tro mean .

Beware, Beware the pellets of March. I do intend to predict that power, when unleashed is more powerful. That being so I give you just one more thought.

“Be clear, because unclear is a disastrous consequence.

Voltaire Employment Counselors

I have the ability and sense to give you a position but you must promise me that you will complete every job, task or statement you are told to do. IF a boss, and that is anyone in charge or anyone who words for the company, tells you to do anything you do it. if you do not, you may as well just call yourself unemployed. Are there any quests? No? Well then here are the assignments;

Mr. Ted Twinberry you are placed at the Bergenhauff Nuclear Plant. Go now and be careful,

Mrs. Tastmyer you are a secretary at the Lipshoiyt Packing Plant, so get packing.

Alice B. Tock. Errr sorry, Alice B. Tuck…. I am so sorry, Alice, you have the same job you had last week, okay. Any questions?

Tolstoy on Docket as a Fisher

Say, are you fishing today?

No, I am not

Aren’t you a fisher?

No, no. My name is Fisher! I am not a fisherman.

Oh, dreadfully sorry

13. Molaire sings a very short song to Thomas DeQuincy

14. As If Emily Dickerson Were Confused With Emil Fackenheim

15. Michel de Montaigne sells a Buick

16. What Would Happen If Richard Rubenstein Changed His Name To Martin Buber.

17. When Bob Dylan Made a Bad Song, dedicated to Jerry Piates

18. Elie Wiesel makes His Way To A Tennis Match Being Played by Adolph Hitler and Barbara Striesand

19. The Day Whiney The Poo Took Charge of Frank Sinatra

20. On The Loop of Richard Burton

21. My Mother Likes Alan Sherman

22. Debbie and Jan Deserve More

(C)opyright 2009 G David Schwartz All Rights Reserved

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