Other Poems by:

Rick Lupert

Cliches Gone Bad

A spoonful of sugar
will eventually attract flies.

What comes around goes around again
if you keep giving it money.

It's not the meat,
it's the photosynthesis.

Hey, you, get off of my,

An eye for an eye, a tooth
for a lifetime of poor dental hygeine.

Dress to impress,
or die.

Good things come to those
who have telekinesis.

Don't count your chickens
before you actually have chickens

because you'll look stupid
counting phanton chickens

and who the hell
keeps chickens these days anyway?

The early bird
gets less sleep than the other birds

Early to bed and early to rise
makes you miss all the interesting things that happen at night.

What are you getting up so early for anyway?
The Today Show?

Take me out to the ball game
and then leave me alone, I hate you.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice and I'll have Christopher Walken take your thumbs.

Two roads converged in a forest
I sued the government for not putting up signs.

Call me Ishmael.

All the kings horses, and all the kings men,
and their wives never suspected a thing.

Five Dollar Sunglasses and Venice Beach

Venice Beach
Walking along the boardwalk
Roller Skating Guitar Man sings for me.
I say "Didn't you open for Jane's Addiction once?"
He doesn't answer
Sings on.
When finished he says "You gotta buy one of my CD's man."
I tell him I only have enough for five dollar sunglasses
and a slice of Venice Pizza
He tells me I will amass wealth.
I tell him I will come back when I do.

I find the sunglasses booth
The one I always go to.
They have the sunglasses I want.
I pick them up and hand the man five dollars.
No words are exchanged
Just money and sunglasses
I knew they would be five dollars.
He knew enough not to ask for more.
I was obviously an experienced Venice Beach Sunglasses buyer.

A trip to Venice is not complete without a slice of Venice Pizza.
It's not good pizza.
It's not cheap pizza.
It's Venice Pizza, and it must be eaten
Or your trip to Venice is invalidated
As if it never happened.

I continue walking
New five dollar glasses on face
Slice of Venice Pizza in hand.
Man shouts at me
"Hey Pizza Boy! My Dick is harder than Superman's Elbow!"
I tell him that my butt cheeks are like Kryptonite.
He backs off
I have earned his respect.

I finish the Pizza
Drive home
It is chilly on the boardwalk today.

Coffee Is Not a Drink For Pussies

Coffee is not a drink for pussies
It's a serious beverage commitment
Bad for your teeth
Bad for your brain

Coffee is not a drink for pussies
one drop
will stain your shirt

Coffee is not a drink for pussies
I'm sure it causes cancer
Male pattern baldness
Female pattern baldness
Premature ejaculation
Under-cooked omelettes

Coffee is not a drink for pussies
It is hot like the Equator
Bitter like four year old milk
Black like Nigeria
When you drink coffee
It's like you're drinking Nigeria

Coffee is not a drink for pussies
Don't talk to me about Lattes
Mother Fucker

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