Rationality

By Ria Steele

Tis a good thing that I have resolved to not be enraged with anger anymore. And we run when we are unloved, yet I always represent the ashes, of the bridges I have burned in the past, yet if I allow it to gain ground inside of my soul, then it will eat my alive. Past experience tells me to let go, and let be. Revenge or anger, only in certain circum-stances ever serves one purpose, but to consume in the a fiery furnace. I live to dwell in a harmonic balance, and yet when the past creeps in, sometimes what I feel comes to surface and there were times in the past I could say truly "say what I felt". Yet, the feelings were clouding all of my reasoning. There are times I feel you can wreck me, and I plead the ignorance is my own self defense. I am not great at arguing, but yet I have gained the wisdom, to know when it is acceptable to "take up for myself". If you want you can get to know me, yet realize always feelings shall cloud over my rationality. I never claimed or claim to be "normal". In fact I usually claim to be one of a kind, a conun-drum, a dichotomy of good and evil, sweet and sour, devil and angel, sensual and erotic. I am a mixture, of many emotions. Emotions rule my aura. Whether I fly throughout Jupiter's rings, with drops of Jupiter in my hair, or fall into the caverns...the pits of my own hell, I always feel too much, but I would not want to be any other way. Some say I am crazy, but not true I am just a little "insane". I like many, get caught up in the fine line of pleasure and pain. I al-ways stand six feet from the edge, and ready to jump. I want to hear the music, dancing to my own beat, whether anyone else "hears" what I hear, or feels what I feel, I am not sure, but I do know my own essence. I could sit here and write all night about how others "perceive" me. Yet, I shall never sleep in a bed of lies, nor will I ever be afraid to be the first to admit I am wrong. Honestly, I did not think I could take one more heart break, nor one other "hollow smile". I have been deceived too much to talk about, although I could and would love to write a book about my life. Many, did not believe what I have walked through, and those that do see the "inner strength" of what sustains me. I used to never be the one that "walked away"....I am not a quitter, yet the past several years have taught me when it is okay to stay, and when to throw in the towel, and surrender to the place where I need to stand alone. There is never rest for a weary mind, or sleepy eyes, when your heart and mind, are restless. There are times I am so weak, that I feel I could just crawl in the corner and take my last breath. But, I mark every event in my life up to learn-ing...wisdom...growth and life's long and winding highway. I am far from perfect, and have made way too many mis-takes throughout my 47 years here. Yet, throughout it all, many lessons have been learned. There are days I am frightened, that I am so bent, I may never recover, and put myself back together. Others see my pillar of strength and courage, yet there is this piece of me, that is a frightened child. I have learned even though life itself can be compli-cated, I do not have to make it more difficult. And I have to wonder if saying "I'm Sorry"...is good enough when I screw up. There were too many years I felt "in prison", in own hell, and someone else that kept me there with lies, manipulation, and took more than enough of my heart, broke it into pieces, and ran out more times than I count, yet I just "stayed around" to "hang". From shame, to thinking I was the problem, to doubt, to disbelief, and then one day, the light came in, and I just realized I had to change, to go away, to run, to fine another life, my own life, my own heart and soul's work. Funny, how those that hurt us, then try and come back and make it better. I am not talking about one betrayal, but many years of lies, abuse, pain, and hurt. I took it too much, for too many years, thinking I "deserved" it. I know that most difficult thing I ever done, was leave. Yet, with all the breathing room, I was suffocating from the walls closing in. By body, my mind, and my heart and soul, could not take one more moment of pain. I would rather die, than go through any of that again. Weakness is in staying in what you know is wrong. Strength comes from being strong enough to say I have had more than enough, and walking out the door, into the unknown. I shall never beg anyone to stay if they choose to go. Lessons well learned...if someone does not want to be with me, tis better for them and I if they just go. Sometimes I could just sit on the avenue, and think there is no reason to be here, yet here I am, and there I was, and continued to keep a pillow case of broken dreams, yet I knew deep inside, I needed a new direction and a new set of dreams. Feeling numbness was not who I was, and yet I walked through 15 years of my life completely numb. And silence filled the air, and it screamed at me, and was a God forsaken sound, as I caved into my own aura of survival. Yet, I come out somewhere in between...the spaces in between, neither black nor white, but I dwell within the shades of gray.

And I am within with star stream and aura of Jupiter's rings...and this shall all last...and I will continue to grow in wis-dom... until I draw one last breath.....

Rhia

copyright 2007, Ria Steele

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